Reputations vs. Reality

Convictions usually hit like a brick through glass. Those seemingly little whispers from God can have profound impact. And if we let them, they rock our world and shake us awake. I am at Campus Crusade for Christ's (now just Cru) national staff conference where Francis Chan has been the main speaker. If you don't know who Francis Chan is, you can read his short bio here.

I first stumbled upon Francis Chan four years ago when I randomly found his church's sermons on iTunes. I was captivated by the passion in his voice, succinct preaching style, and the truth that resonated in his every word. Now a "Jesus-celebrity" and prominent Christian author, I was more than elated to discover he was speaking at the conference. I felt like a teenage girl a a Backstreet Boys concert. I got there early to get good seats, had my moleskin open, pen in hand, ready to absorb the Holy Spirit through Francis Chan (Francis Chan!!). But it wasn't your typical drive-thru spiritual intake session. He was real, passionate, and even ditched his prepared notes, because during worship he felt God leading a different direction. And then I saw that brick shattering the glass, on a collision-course with my face.

As that metaphorical brick neared my forehead, I saw my summer flash before my eyes. I felt like a failure. I started healthy and spiritually strong. But Colorado held so many distractions that gently lead me away from my mission and from my First Love. I spread myself so thin that I couldn't fully invest in anything, including God. And so many people were hurting around me, genuinely hurting, that I poured whatever was left of me into them. And at the end of the day I felt there wasn't even enough left of me to fall at the foot of the Cross. I was so empty that the wind couldn't even carry me. I was spending hardly any time with God and living life in my own power, which was barely thinking about creating a spark.

One of the first things Francis Chan did was read Revelation 3, and I knew God was speaking to me.
"I know your works [Amie]. You have the reputation of being alive, but you are dead. Wake up, and strengthen wheat remains and is about to die, for I have not found your works complete in [my] sight..." Wow. I have been deceiving everyone, including myself. I have been dead and been fooled by my own reputation. I felt like a liar and a hypocrite. Did I really spend all summer encouraging people to live in the power of the Holy Spirit and not even hear my words? And to think whatever was left was dying... How could I have let it get this far?? But God's kindness lead me to repentance (Romans 2:4). Throwing that brick at my face was God showing His kindness and love, because He knew it was what I needed to hear.

After being further humbled seeing how Francis Chan and our ministry leadership were crying out to God almost as hard as I was during the prayer time that followed, I knew I needed to change. I sat down before the Lord and others to pray and confess my hardened and empty heart. I could have prayed myself, but I now realize that forgiveness comes from God, but purification from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9) comes through community. Emotionally and spiritually, I have been living in isolation all summer. Clearly, I can't do it on my own. I need the surpassingly great power of God living and working inside of me and people around me to love me and give me a swift kick in the behind when I need it. I'd prefer a kick than a brick any day.

So, thanks to that Brick of Conviction, I'll probably have a metaphorical black-eye for a couple of weeks, but what little was left of my empty heart was in danger of dying. God knew that he wasn't done with me and revived my listless life. I now pray that He grows me back into the woman that others perceive me to be and that He continually matures me into the woman that I was created to be. Even if it means getting a brick to the face every now and again. It's worth it.