Honored with Anguish

I love the story of David and Jonathan's friendship, as outlined throughout the Biblical book of 1st and 2nd Samuel. Just about everyone has at least heard of the story of David and Goliath: a young boy kills an enemy's giant with a single stone from a slingshot. Saul, the king of Israel, then took David in as his own and cared for him. Saul's son, Jonathan, became David's best friend. Even when Saul became jealous of David and sought to end his life, Jonathan stayed loyal to his dear friend.

"The soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul...And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and hid belt." -1 Samuel 18:1,4


Even when rebuked by his father for helping David escape, Jonathan remained faithful to his friend. So when David learns that Jonathan was killed by the Philistines in battle, he was racked with grief.

"Then David took hold of his clothes and tore them, and so did all the men who were with him. And they mourned and wept and fasted until evening for Saul and for Jonathan his son and for the people of the Lord and for the house of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword." -2 Samuel 1:11-12


I am struck by this image of a man in mourning and grief tearing his clothes. It is a common image in the Old Testament, and even in the New Testament there are places where the apostles do the same thing. I find myself in a similar place right now; racked with anguish and a heavy heart, my first instinct is to tear at my shirt.

Unlike these examples, I am not grieving over the death of a dear friend, but crying out in anguish over the future that awaits a few certain people. Recently, I have been so fervent in praying for a few people who have a torturous future before them, and they don't even know it. I have been crying out to Jesus on their behalf and have been so desperate for them to come to know Him.

I asked God the other day why he has burdened my heart so gravely that I cannot focus on anything else. His response was humbling, "Amie, now you know a small taste of what I feel for every person on this earth every day." I was silenced in my tracks. I was not feeling that way as punishment, or even a burden, but an honor. God was sharing his heart with me. How amazing is it to know that me, in my sinful and selfish nature, could feel so grieved that it felt unbearable, but that God grieves for those individuals more than I do, as well as for the rest of the world. What I thought was a burden, turned out to be a gift.

I spent almost two weeks tearing at my shirt, like David did,  in anguish over the fact that these dear persons don't know Jesus. But God has been grieving for them more since the beginning of time, and will continue to mourn for them until they know Him. And I pray they do before it's too late...